the darkness of my past keeps haunting me
by cappuchoni
Summary: Cheryl's plan to infiltrate the Farm doesn't go as smoothly as she expected, and she finds herself facing old demons she thought were already defeated. tw: anxiety, depression, ptsd


"Cher, are you _sure_ about this?" Toni asked for the dozenth time.

"Positive. I promised cousin Betty I would help her take down the Farm. How many times are you going to ask?" Cheryl answered with a huff as her eyes met Toni's in the reflection of her makeup mirror.

It was the same discussion they had been having ever since Betty approached Cheryl after opening night of Heathers. Evelyn had taken an interest in the redhead during her and Toni's separation, and even though things with her girlfriend were back on track the Farmie had not removed her from her sights.

"You know I'm just worried about you."

Cheryl huffed, "Is that your way of telling me you don't think I can handle it?"

"Babe, no." Toni got up from the bed and walked over to her girlfriend. "Hey, look at me?" Once the redhead had turned to grant Toni her full attention the shorter girl continued, "It's not about that. It's about that place and you know it."

Her concerns were met with a dramatic eye roll as Cheryl turned back to continue her makeup routine. "I was just fine at the cast party. You worry too much, TT."

"You were drunk and surrounded by people you knew wouldn't hurt you. This won't be the same."

She closed her blush compact with a echoing snap, "I appreciate your concern; I truly do. But I managed just fine during our hiatus, and I will manage just fine on my own in there. Plus, Kevin will be there."

"I don't trust his judgment when it comes to the Farm, so I'm not trusting him with the most important thing in my life when it comes to that place either."

* * *

Two days later the conversation came up again. The school day would be starting in less than an hour, after which Cheryl would be going back to the Farm much to Toni's discomfort. She trust the Farm, and when it came to her girlfriend she didn't trust Betty either. She knew the blonde had good intentions and truly needed Cheryl's help, but she wished there was another way, one that didn't involve her girlfriend attempting to infiltrate a cut alone. The pinkette knew how emotionally vulnerable Cheryl was, particularly after the sisters. Too many nights had been spent with the redhead curled up into her arms, sobbing for hours, while she did her best to coach Cheryl through her nightmares.

Toni was sitting on the edge of their bed, putting on her shoes. She looked across the room to her girlfriend, "So you're really going back again?"

"But of course, TT. One meeting will hardly take down the Farm," Cheryl explained as she collected her finished homework from the previous night. "I have my second interview after school today."

"Just be careful, please," the shorter girl begged.

"But of course, mon amour. You have nothing to worry about," she assured. "Now, if that is all we must be going. Our education awaits."

"Cher, I'm serious," she pressed. "I don't like you going there."

"Babe, everything's fine, I swear," Cheryl assured. "All we did was sit in a room and talk into a recorder. After I answered some questions he walked me out. You have _nothing_ to be worry about."

The shorter girl stood from her seat on the bed and grabbed her bag. "I just don't want anything to happen to you. It's because I care you know?"

"Trust me, I notice. You're the only person besides Jason to ever really care about me." A sincere, yet sad, smile crossed her lips. She paused for a moment before saying, "Thank you, TT, for caring. I don't think I can ever say that enough."

"I don't plan on stopping," Toni smirked as she leaned up to kiss her girlfriend. "You promise you're being careful?"

"As careful as a tightrope walker wearing 8 inch stilettos," Cheryl answered, her usual demeanor returning almost instantly.

Toni squinted, raising an eyebrow a the response.

"Shall we?"

* * *

"Before we begin, Mr. Evernever, may I ask you a question? These tapes you're making, what are they for?" Cheryl asked, curiously. She figured if she could get some concrete evidence for Betty she wouldn't need to come back a third time. Toni's constant concern wasn't going unnoticed, and the redhead hoped she could finish her mission quickly to ease her girlfriends worry.

"Many of our members like to refer back to them from time to time. Track their growth," Edgar explained.

"And where do you store these tapes?"

"In a secure location."

"On the premises?"

His expression changed, as if he knew what she was doing. Edgar leaned forward on on to the table, resting his elbows on the smooth wood, and asked, "Why are you so concerned about the tapes, Cheryl?"

"Oh," Cheryl panicked for a moment. She needed to erase any doubt from his mind that she wasn't sincere about her interest in the Farm. If he found her out she'd be kicked out and they'd be back to square one. She couldn't fail at this, not when Jason's babies were at stake. "No. No concern. Just... curious."

"Curious? Hmm." He squinted and directly looked into her eyes. "Before we get back to the interview, uh, I'd like to show you something first. Something I think you'll find very... illuminating. If you'll follow me." Edgar stood from the table and motioned for Cheryl to follow.

"I'd be honored." The redhead stood from her seat and followed him out of the room.

"It's just down this hall," he explained as they ventured together down a long corridor. "You asked about our files. They're right here."

"But that looks like a broom closet," Cheryl said. She did her best to hide the hesitation she was feeling. Too much was on the line for her to make another mistake. The redhead knew she had overstep when she pressed about the tapes, but the only thing to do now was to follow through with her inquiry.

"Tomorrow night we're having a get together for new members. Will you join us?"

"Sounds unmissable. Will all of the Farmies be there?"

Rather than answer her, he turned a key into the locked door he had indicated a moment earlier. Edgar pushed it open, revealing a pitch black room, "Ah! Here we are. After you." He held out his hand to signal she was to enter before him.

She swallowed her fear and took a step inside, "Uh, wait. What happens in here?"

He flipped a switch and as Cheryl's eyes adjusted to the light the room came into focus.

The space was mostly empty with stark white walls and minimal furniture. A white couch resides in one corner with a cot against the parallel wall. A cot that looked all too familiar. Suddenly Cheryl's blood felt as if it ran as cold as the frozen water of Sweetwater River day she fell through the ice, "What is this?"

"I hate to do this, Cheryl, but you've left me no other choice." He grabbed the broach from her sweater and held it at eye level. Edgar plucked the tiny speaker from behind the spider before dropping it to the ground and stomping on it with his boot.

The redhead's eyes grew wide with fear. He knew why she was here, and she had followed him willingly into her worst nightmare. How had she been so careless to think she had put this place behind her?

"Alice warned me her daughter may have recruited you as her spy, but my Evelyn believed you were genuine. It doesn't matter now; you'll come around in the end. You'll see. I am truly sorry it had to be this way."

Before Cheryl could register what was going on, Edgar took a step backwards, pulling the door shut as he did.

"No please!" Cheryl screamed through the door. She could hear a key turning, locking her inside. "You can't lock me in here!"

"Some time in the isolation room will help. I know it seems harsh, but this is for the best, Cheryl."

She clung to the door, pounding on it with all her might. Through the thick wood she could hear footsteps traveling father and farther into the distance.

"Don't leave me in here! You can't!" Tears flowed freely from her eyes. "_Not_ _again," _she added in defeat as she lost all footing and fell to the floor.

Her breathing became shallow as she struggled to get air into her lungs.

_No. No. No. Not again. _

The redhead turned around on the floor so the door was against her back. She brought her knees up to her chest and began to rock back and forth.

_This isn't happening. You're safe at Thistlehouse with Toni. You're not here. _

She knew it wasn't true, but Cheryl would try anything to calm herself down. Typically when she had one of her attacks Toni would instruct her to focus on what was real, but at that moment, what was real was the problem. She needed to escape and prayed her brain could take her far away from the situation she found herself in.

"Cheryl?"

Her attention perked at the sound of her name being called through the door, "Toni?"

"No," the voice answered calmly with a far sweetness coating it. "It's Evelyn. My dad told me what happened. I'm very disappointed."

"Let me out of here, _please_," she cried desperately.

"Another act. Just like in the bathroom at school," the Farmie responded. "I will admit you are an excellent actress. No wonder Kevin never objects to you being the lead in his musicals. You truly have a great talent."

"I'm not acting," Cheryl begged, still refusing to open her eyes. "I… _please _let me out."

Evelyn didn't understand. How could she? The girl had transferred at the beginning of the school year. She was unaware of Cheryl's mysterious prolonged absence last spring, and the Vixen had never mentioned her closeted past or her time spent within these godforsaken walls under the guise of therapy.

"I can't do that, Cheryl. Not yet. You'll understand. Everything will be better soon. I promise."

"Pl-please," her voice breaking as she pleaded once more.

"Soon, Cheryl, everything will make sense."

Minutes felt like hours as she continued to rock back and forth on the cold floor. If only she had her phone, but she stupidly left it in the interview room.

Toni.

Toni would come for her.

Then it occurred to Cheryl, Toni thinks she's fine. She had assured her girlfriend she could handle this, _multiple_ times. Toni isn't even expecting a text from her for hours.

Alone.

She's alone. Inside the walls of the Sisters of Quiet Mercy. _Again. _

* * *

"Damn it, Cheryl," Betty muttered as she continued to stare at her phone. It was 42 minutes past when her cousin was supposed to have checked on, and the blonde was beginning to worry.

**Betty [5:37 PM]**: Are you ok?

She focused intently on the screen as if she could will the three dots to appear in the left corner. Nothing came. The text stayed at delivered, not read, as did her previous three.

It felt too soon to raise the alarms. She'd give Cheryl a little while longer to reply before reaching out to Toni. If everything was fine and they went in guns blazing, they'd blow the entire operation.

_Please be okay, Cheryl. _

**LINE HERE**

Cheryl did her best to remember Toni's voice coaching her through her panic attacks. She needed her girlfriend, even just in her mind.

"_Breathe, Cher. In and out. There you go. Deep breathes. I'm here. I'm right here."_

_But you aren't here. Why aren't you here? Why didn't I listen to you?_

Her world felt cloaked in darkness for the first time in almost a year. Ever since the night Toni rescued her there had always been a present light keeping her thoughts from venturing into the black. During their temporary separation Cheryl was able to force her walls up to shield herself. But now, being within _these _walls again, she couldn't find the strength to fight.

_I need you. Come save me. I can't do this alone._

In an attempt to help calm herself, Cheryl took a deep breath through her nose. As the she inhaled, a familiar smell hit her abruptly, and she felt instantly nauseous. Quickly she reached for the trash bin as her stomach emptied itself into the plastic container.

Never in her wildest imagination would she have expected her night to go this way. This was supposed to be a quick testimony, and then back home to her love. But no, Cheryl got cocky. She thought she could trick Edgar into giving her something Betty could use. She was reckless and impatient. And now? Now she was trapped in her own personal hell.

Cheryl placed the bin back onto the floor besides her and hung her head in her hands. Her emotions were all over the place, torn between despair and numbness. If she was forced to choose, the latter felt like the more welcomed of the two. Detaching herself from her current predicament sounded more appealing than dealing with the reality of the situation. Unfortunately neither option would help, but she was too exhausted to attempt to put up her HBIC walls. She needed to find composure somehow and get her wits about herself if she had any hope of escape.

Slowly her breathing stilled to short, shallow, drawn out breaths. Exhaustion overwhelmed her body. It felt as if the redhead's arms simply hung from her shoulders; her chest ached and her every muscle in her body felt sore.

Cheryl stared blankly at the wall, her eyes following the lines of grout separating the cool white tile. She was at a loss. Helpless. And the numbness was beginning to take hold despite her attempts to fight. Surrender is the last thing she wanted, but the pull was so strong. It was as if her mind was at war with itself. One side thinking rationally, the other drowning in terror and completely ignoring the logic of the former.

_Keep it together. Do not shut down. You have to be strong, Cheryl._

The redhead began to rocked back again, her arms wrapped tightly around her waist. Her eyes were clamped shut as she tried to visualize somewhere else, anywhere else, to pull her out of the dark.

Flashes of memories played in her mind.

_No, don't. Stop._

Tears pooled in her eyes, threatening to leak from behind her closed eyelids.

"_You've lost your mind, and you leave us no choice."_

"_They're gonna make you all better. All better."_

_Don't think about the last time you were here. Stay strong. You have to hold it together. _

"_Oh, you poor child. There's nothing to be afraid of."_

"_Foolish girl, what have you done?"_

"_Next time, listen, child. You'll never get better if you don't listen to me."_

"No!" Cheryl screamed, her voice echoing in the cramped space. She crumpled over and collapsed fully onto the floor. Her body shook as the sobs completely took over.

_Stop. Please. No more. Just leave me alone._

"Stop!" She screamed into the empty room, "Go away!"

Before she could have another thought the door opened. Her head snapped, half expecting to see a nun on the other side. Cheryl let out a sigh of relief upon seeing who was standing before her.

"Cheryl?"

"Thank God, Kevin. Please tell me you're getting me out of here." She smiled at him, her eyes still glistening with tears.

"They told me to bring you to the visitation room. Are you ready?"

She blinked back her confusion. Dumbfounded, Cheryl asked, "You aren't here to rescue me?"

Kevin chuckled, "There's nothing to rescue you from, Cheryl. The Farm only wants to help."

"_There's nothing to be afraid of. Sister Woodhouse is going to help you."_

"They locked me in here for God knows how long! I didn't even have my phone," the redhead cried.

"It's only been an hour," he explained. "Edgar had to get stuff set up. Are you… are you okay?"

"No!" She got up, finally feeling some strength return to her as rage replaced her despair. "I am the _furthest_ thing from okay, Kevin. Do you have any idea what it was like for me, locked in… locked in… _here_?"

"Cheryl, it's just a room?" His face scrunched in confusion. "Why are you so upset over… _oh."_

"Yes, _oh_. Now, can you please get me the hell out of here?"

"I… I can't do that, Cheryl," Kevin answered. "Please trust me. Everything will make sense soon. I'm so _so_ sorry you got locked in here. I have to believe no one here knew, or-"

"Or what?" she barked, interrupting him mid sentence. "It would have been fine to lock someone in a room alone if they hadn't been previously traumatized? I thought you were better than this, Kevin!"

"You're going to thank me, I promise."

"I sincerely doubt that," she snapped. "Can I at least call Toni?"

"After," he assured her. "Everything is set up. He's waiting for you."

"I really couldn't care less if Edgar was waiting. As far as I'm concerned that cult leader of yours can rot in hell," she pushed passed him, in hopes to find the exit for herself.

_Get yourself out of here. You can buy a new phone. This whole place is going to burn. We just need a new plan. Get Toni and the Pretty Poisons. We will raid this place and take those babies back by force if necessary._

"Cheryl," Kevin called after her, "Edgar isn't the one waiting for you."

She spun around, danger in her eyes, "Oh, and who pray tell is waiting for me then?"

"Jason."

* * *

Hours later, Betty sat cross legged in the middle of her bed. Her thumb hovered over Cheryl's number, debating to call for the fourteenth time that evening. After not hearing from her cousin all evening, the blonde had begun calling her number every 15 minutes since 7:30 pm.

"Alright. This is the last call I'm making before I'm calling Toni. _Please_ pick up," the says to herself before hitting the call button. The phone rings and rings before eventually going to voicemail.

"Damn it, Cheryl!" Her words echoed those she said earlier in the evening, only now they had grown even more desperate.

Betty threw the phone on the bed and tugged at her hair, "You have to be okay."

She reached down by her feet to pick up her phone. As she was in the process of looking up Toni's number a text message popped up from the girl she had been attempting to reach for hours.

**Cheryl [10:47 PM]:** I'm fine

**Betty [10:47 PM]: **Cheryl thank god!

**Betty [10:47 PM]: ** I've been worried all night

**Betty [10:47 PM]: **What happened?

**Betty [10:53 PM]:** Cheryl?

**Betty [11:02 PM]:** ?

**LINE HERE**

"Who's that babe?" Toni asked as Cheryl scoffed at her phone lighting up for the countless time that evening.

"Just Betty. Not to worry, TT. I'm done being her spy."

Toni smiled, "So you're not going back to the Farm? That's all over?"

"Not at all," Cheryl answered, causing Toni's expression to fall. "My dear cousin was completely wrong about the Farm. They are an exceptional organization, and despite a minor setback earlier, I am now looking to become a legitimate member."

"Babe," Toni shifted on the bed to look Cheryl in the eyes. "You cannot be serious right now."

"I was actually hoping you'd come with me to my next interview. There's a get together tomorrow night, and I'm sure Eddie would be more than happy for you to attend as my plus one."

"Eddie?"

"Edgar, of course," the redhead explained. "I talked to him about you for quite a while after…"

"After what, Cher?" Toni asked, concern evident in her voice.

"Toni, there's someone I'd really like you to meet."

"I'm not really interested in meeting Edgar, babe. You're scaring me."

Cheryl rolled her eyes at the accusation, "There is nothing to be scared of, ma chérie, and Eddie isn't who I want you to meet."

"Then who?"

The redhead paused, skeptical of how her girlfriend would respond, "I… I want you to meet my brother."

"Jason? But he's-"

"Please, Toni. Please tell me you'll come. You'll love him, I promise."

"Cheryl," Toni took both of the redhead's hands in her own. "Jason died. I can't meet him. You know this." Her eyes were wide with fear, whatever had happened to her girlfriend earlier that afternoon wasn't good. Toni's fears hadn't been unwarranted, in fact they were worse than she had imagined.

"I'm not an idiot, Toni. If you don't want to come with me then fine," she yanked her hands away, anger and hurt visible in her eyes. Cheryl begun to turn over onto her side and face away from her girlfriend as Toni grabbed hold of one her her hands once again.

"I'll go if you want me to, okay, Cher? I just… I want you to be careful, that's all."

The redhead's face lit up instantly. "I'll let Evelyn know you are coming tomorrow morning. I can't wait for you to meet JJ. I know he's going to love you! You're all I talked about when I saw him."

"That's…. that's great, babe. Can't wait." Toni forced an insincere smile across her lips. "Why don't you get some sleep, sounds like we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow."

Cheryl leaned over to kiss her girlfriend on the lips, "Goodnight, and thank you. I know I must sound crazy. You really are the best, TT. Tomorrow is going to be amazing, you'll see."

"I'm sure I will. Goodnight, love," Toni said as she gave Cheryl's lips another quick peck.

They both settled onto their respective pillows before Cheryl shifted to curl into Toni's neck and wrap her arm around the shorter girl's waist. Toni snuck her arm under her girlfriend and pulled her even closer. The redhead drifted off to sleep, and soon her soft snoring could be heard in the otherwise quiet room.

Toni looked up at the ceiling, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. "Damn it, Betty," she muttered before glancing back down at her sleeping girlfriend and placing a kiss upon her brow. "What did you get her into this time?"


End file.
